This one’s for the ladies. Fellas, you can hang around if you want to, but you gotta stand over there in the corner and be real quiet. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna hit on your girlfriends and wives, but I got a few things to tell them. Trust me, this is for your own good.
Okay girls, now it’s just you and me. You’re all looking very pretty today, maybe we can go grab a drink sometime—no, shit. I promised I wouldn’t do that. Sorry. Habit.
Anyway, the reason I pulled you all aside…is to show you my penis. Wait! Don’t leave, I was just kidding. Okay, I think I got it all out of my system now.
Seriously, though, I want to let you in on a little secret—men don’t know shit about women. We just can’t figure you out, and all our attempts end in humiliating defeat. So stop expecting us to understand the intricate mystery that is the feminine psyche and just accept the fact that it’s never going to happen. However…there is hope. Once you stop over-thinking men and realize that they are much less complex than you are, you can take charge, keep them content and get what you want at the same time.
So here’s a list of things that will help you help him to create a strong and lasting relationship with just about any guy. And if you need any extra help, I do offer private tutorials. You know where to find me.
1. You Gotta Stay Away From His Internet Search History
You can’t handle it. It’s more or less the same for every guy, so don’t think he’s a perv or anything. But if you go browsing where he’s been, you’ll regret it. There are some things you can’t unsee.
2. You Can’t Change Him
I know that you know this intellectually, but on some level, you may still think you can pull it off. You can’t. And if you do manage to get it done, he’ll figure it out and resent you for it. Love him the way he is or not at all.
3. You Shouldn’t Take It Personally When He Checks Out Other Women
Unless he’s leering and drooling, just let it slide. It’s a reflex and he can’t help it. Just let it slide.
4. He Will Choose His Friends Over You
They’ve been with him for way longer than you have, and no matter how much he loves the regular sex, he’ll sacrifice it if you’re trying to 86 his buddies from his life.
5. Never Criticize His Mother
If he wants to do it, and you commiserate with him, that’s fine. But if you’re the one who brings it up, watch the fuck out. Odds are, there are qualities she has that he sees in you, so try to figure out what those are and relate to her on that level.
6. You Have To Let Shit Go
You’ll have a lot of fights over the course of the relationship, but when they’re over, they really need to be over. Throwing old arguments back in his face will lead to loss of trust and ultimately change how he feels about you.
7. Don’t Ask Questions You Don’t Want To Know The Answers To
Hey, he’s got a history and so do you. If you love him for who he is now, don’t worry so much about the steps he took to get there.
8. You Can’t Bombard Him The Second He Walks In The Door
He knows you want to talk about what that bitch said to you at work today or your plans to redecorate the bedroom, but for god’s sake, let him have a beer and stare at the TV for at least half an hour first.
9. Withholding Sex Is A Dangerous Game
I don’t care how mad you are at him, if you cut him off for an extended period of time, what happens next is on you.
10. He’s Jealous Of All Your Straight Guy Friends
Bitch about him to the girls all you want, but if you’re confiding things to other men and he finds out about it, he’s going to get jealous. Sorry to break it to you, but he wants to be the only man in your life.
11. He Wants To Try Anal
He might never ask for it, but he wants it. And odds are, most, if not all of his former girlfriends wouldn’t let him. Let him have it at least once, maybe on his birthday. It’ll be a bonding experience.
12. He Wants To Bang Your Friends
I’m not saying he’ll do it, but he wants to. Don’t take it personally—he’s wanted to bang 90% of all the women he’s ever met. It’s really not that big a deal. Let him know you know and watch how red he gets.
13. You Should Learn To Play Pool
There’s nothing hotter than a chick who can beat you in pool.
14. He Wants You To Seduce Him
Yes, he probably likes sex more than you do, but you want him to be happy, right? Don’t wait for him to instigate every time. Surprise him every once in a while.
15. He Notices When You Don’t Wear The Jewelry He Bought You
If you don’t like it, for Christ’s sake, say so and let him try again. It seems ungrateful when you wear it once and then he never sees it again.
16. He Wants You To Need Him
Sure, you’re an independent lady and he likes that. But he also wants to feel useful. So let him change a light bulb and open pickle jars for you. It boosts his self-esteem.
17. You’ve Got To Watch Your Weight
Oh shit, did I really say that? Well, it’s true. Just because you landed him doesn’t mean you can eat whatever you want and stop going to the gym (and to be fair, neither can he).
18. If You’ve Been Living Together For Longer Than Three Years, He’s Not Going To Marry You
At that point, he already considers himself married, and the idea of a wedding is more of a hassle than the special day it is to you. You can try to force him into it if you want, but…
19. Ultimatums Do NOT Work
Any time you try to force a guy to do anything, he WILL resent you for it. Try an honest talk about how you feel and what you want out of the relationship before you give him an “either/or.”
20. He Wants Kids
It’s hardwired into his DNA. No matter what he says when he’s in his twenties, when he gets a little older, he’s going to want a legacy to leave behind. But please make sure he’s ready before you stop taking your birth control.
21. He Knows When You’re Lying To Him
He might not even be sure what you’re lying about, but he knows when you’re not being honest. Better come clean, or his head will fill up with worst-case scenarios.
22. He Wants You To Like What He Likes
Whether it’s movies, sports or hobbies, he wants you to enjoy those things with him. Even if it’s not your thing, try to have fun with the fact that it makes him happy.
23. He Thought You Looked Good In That First Outfit
The more you change clothes before you go out, the more impatient he gets. After the second one, he doesn’t care anymore. Just pick one and let’s go!
24. He Has No Interest In Shoes
What is it with women and shoes? You may think that new pair is the cutest thing in the world, but it just mystifies him.
25. You Should Always Take His Side
Within reason. But if he’s involved in some kind of debate and you take sides against him in public, he will never forgive you.
26. He Wants You To Expose Him To New Things
He wants to feel like you’re bringing something extra into his life, so tell him about your favorite authors, philosophers, whatever. If you help him grow as a person, he’ll always be grateful to you for it.
27. You Need To Tell Him Exactly What You Want
Don’t make him guess, because he’ll pick wrong. And don’t be vague about it either. If you want something, just say it straight out. Odds are, he’ll give it to you.
28. He Hates That Short Haircut
Very few women can pull off that pixie hairdo (although the ones that can do it beautifully). He likes your hair long, so don’t go chopping it all off without running it by him first. How would you feel if he got a Mohawk or grew a rattail?
29. He Wants You By His Side
If you abandon him at parties and go talk to your friends while he talks to his, you’re not giving him that level of completion he wants in a partner. Sure, you can branch out now and then, but he wants you to work as a duo.
30. You Should Never Flirt With His Friend
I know I said earlier that he wants to bang your friends, so this might seem like a double standard, but it’s true. He’ll think you’re fucking with him—or worse, that you’re actually attracted to one of his buddies. Don’t risk ruining his friendships or there will be bad times ahead.
31. He Wants You To Be His Muse
Behind every great man is a great woman. And of course you can have your own hopes and dreams, but he needs you help and inspire him to achieve his.
32. Whatever It Is You Want In Bed, He WILL Do It
Don’t be embarrassed to ask for it. Whatever you sickest, most twisted sexual fantasy, it’s PG-13 material compared to the shit that goes on in his head.
33. He Needs To Lean On You Sometimes
Most of us are pretty good at shouldering our burdens, but every so often, they get too heavy. But don’t sit him down and make him talk about his feelings—that’s YOUR thing. Just do some little things for him to pick up his slack when he’s overwhelmed.
34. Save The Big Piece Of Chicken For Him
He works hard, he doesn’t complain much. He deserves it (thanks to Chris Rock for that one).
35. Don’t EVER Emasculate Him
Even if you’re just joking. I promise you, he won’t think it’s funny. And if you do it during a fight, your relationship might never recover.
36. He Doesn’t Want To Hear About Your Sexual Past
If you feel the need to give him a number, fine, but don’t get into what you did with whom, no matter how much he asks. I promise you, he doesn’t want to know.
37. He Wants To Be The Best Lover You’ve Ever Had
And if he’s the love of your life, he probably is. But if he’s not, just lie to him.
38. If He Cheats On You Once, He’ll Do It Again
Even if he apologizes and honestly regrets it, if you let him get away with it, it WILL happen again.
39. You Should Let Him Open Doors For You
It’s great that you’re all liberated and shit, but being a gentleman never goes out of style. Let him do those little things and it will make him love you more.
40. You Need To Be His Moral Compass
He looks to his woman to keep him in check. Make sure he always does the right thing.
41. You Should Let Him Win Sometimes
Men hate it when you’re better at them at what they love. He has a fragile ego, and sorry, but you need you to cater to it sometimes. If you throw a game and he gloats, though, all bets are off.
42. If You Make Him Watch A Chick Flick, At Least Give Him A Blowjob Afterwards
Seriously, those things are painful. You have no idea how much we hate them. If he made it through the whole thing without complaining, reward him. And if it was one of the SEX & THE CITY movies, you owe him either anal or a threesome. Your choice.
43. Speaking Of Threesomes… He Will NEVER Stop Trying
It doesn’t mean you’re not enough for him, it’s just that it’s the ultimate male fantasy. I’m not saying you ever have to cave in (it’s probably best if you don’t). But just tolerate his attempts to make it happen. He can’t help himself.
44. He Needs Quiet Sometimes
You don’t have to fill the silence with pointless chatter and small talk. If you’re comfortable together, you should be able to just shut the fuck up every once in a while.
45. You Should Compliment Him More
Hey, women aren’t the only ones who like compliments. Tell him he looks good, tell him he’s smart, whatever. He needs to hear that shit every once in a while.
46. You Don’t Always Have To Be Right
Hey, if it’s worth it, then just dig your heels in and fight to your dying breath. But sometimes, he just wants his opinion validated and you don’t have to contradict him just because you see things differently.
47. Make Sure You Look Just As Good When You Go Out With Him As When You Go Out With The Girls
We all get lazy after a while when we don’t have to impress anyone anymore. But if you’re all sweats and T-shirts when it’s just the two of you and you’re smoking hot when you’re going out without him, he’s going to wonder who you’re doing that for.
48. He’s Not Your Dad
For all you princesses out there. Yes, he’s supposed to take care of you, but it’s not in the same way. You’re a grown woman, for Christ’s sake. Learn the difference between a father and a partner.
49. You’re Not His Mother
If you’re always picking up after him and washing his dishes, he’s got some growing up to do. Don’t play into his Freudian fantasy.
50. He’s Not As Complicated As You Are
Don’t go thinking that means you’re deeper than he is, though. Or smarter. He just likes to keep it simple. If you can understand and appreciate that, you might end up complimenting each other very well.
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Raised by wolves and educated by the streets of L.A., Chuck is never afraid to tell it the way he sees it.